What’s the best way to help the people we care about?
When faced with a world such as ours, one that seems to be spinning out of control by the minute, it’s tempting to think that we can somehow exercise some level of control over things and hope for some guarantee that “everything will turn out OK”.
However any such effort will fall flat on its face because sooner or later it will become apparent that we can’t control anything at all, or at best, very little – namely, ourselves.
Therefore it comes as no surprise that when people call me and explain that they want to intervene and push someone towards therapy, that I try to explain to them that this is an effort that will, like a bomb, blow up in their own face.
What I mean by that is that in order for psychotherapy to be in any way productive and beneficial, it must be built on a framework where freedom of choice is elevated as the highest ideal. If we do not nurture this thought properly, then the whole effort will fall flat on its face, because the only person who can bring about real, deep, and meaningful change in your life, is YOU.
No therapist can give you that, no matter how much they may want to.
All they can do is provide a framework that is conducive for exploring oneself, one’s fears, one’s best hopes for the future, without holding anything back. Because when we know ourselves better, we can also make choices that are more congruent with who we really are.
And since our choices are pretty much the only thing the entire universe that we control, it stands to reason that this effort may potentially be extremely effective… but only if we (surprise, surprise) freely choose to do so.
So don’t try and save your loved ones. You can’t. At best, you can provide them with support, comfort, and understanding. But you certainly can’t save them, so stop pushing them towards therapy or towards whatever you believe will be best for them.
The only thing you will achieve is to alienate them from you even further.
So similarly… relieve yourself of the self-imposed responsibility to save other people, because it’s not only impossible, it’s also harmful to everyone involved.
However, you can save yourself, and that can, on the flip-side, be beneficial for you and everyone around you.
